Coming to terms

“And something new is created when the person you love dies.

Because they are not the only ones who die: you die, too. The person you were when you were with them is gone just as surely as they are.

This is what you should know about losing somebody you love. They do not travel alone. You go with them.”

― Augusten Burroughs

I felt this intensely with my dad because, oh my god, I loved him so much. I lost the little girl whose daddy would stand up for her, make her laugh or just hold her hand while we watched t.v. together. Someone I never felt judged by. Someone I even felt revered by as I was becoming an adult. I lost so much when I lost him. And it crushed me. And not only did I lose him, I gained the responsibility of my mom. I needed to fill that support void for my mom when he died. And it was always so much pressure. I felt overwhelmed for 14 years. Constantly. And as other things entered my life, like my kids, it just became such a big deal every time I had to give up my time to help her with things I thought she should have been able to do herself. But couldn't.

And so, I hope the part of me that dies along with my mom is the person who was angry, tired and frustrated all the time. That's not who I wanted to be. I just always felt flooded with too much responsibility. Nothing ever felt like it was about me and my life. I felt like I always had to justify everything I thought or did.

Yesterday was my birthday. It was all parts bad. There was yelling and tears and plumbers who cut the drywall out of my bedroom wall so yet another thing needs to be fixed. And my mom wasn't there to force us to eat cake and mark the occasion. So we didn't. And that makes me sad. And knowing she will miss this spring, watching the flowers come up, makes me sad. And every song I listened to while she was dying makes me cry. And every time I see a store or a street or somewhere I was with her makes me cry. But remembering how much better I tried to deal with her in the last year gives me peace. A little.

Coming down from the intensity of these last six months, with all the drama and all the work and all the sadness, anxiety and insomnia I felt in knowing what was to come, that will take time. She had her faults and I sure as hell have mine. But that's okay. We're human. We're imperfect. I stuck it out, even when I truly thought I couldn't take just one more thing. I did the best I could. The hard times and the little, tiny glimmers of good times, that'll be our story.

It's not over til it's over

A fairly big aspect of our lives over the past decade has been my mom's declining health. Every time there's an incident or a decline, we need to adjust to a new normal. Some are harder than others. depending on how much we're affected. The last two years have been tough but the last few months have been more stressful than ever before. So terrible that despite her nephrologist telling me that she's still doing fairly well and he doesn't think these are her last six months, my gut has been telling me otherwise. Mostly in the form of nausea and anxiety. To preserve some kind of sanity, something had to give so I've taken a leave of absence from work. I've been off for about a month now.

It's kind of funny. I thought I would be less stressed out to be away from work but I think shit has just gotten more real. And it's a roller coaster kind of experience. Good days and bad ones, constant fluxuation. But the bad days keep getting worse and getting used to each new normal is getting harder and harder. A few weeks ago, my mom could have a conversation. Today she can't string together any words that make sense. Before she could walk with help – I took her out with her walker at the beginning of the month, now she needs two people to practically carry her to the bathroom. She struggles to open her eyes or stay awake for a minute or two. She's not eating.

We've always had a hard relationship. Always. We've just never been on the same page. A lot of the time we really don't even like each other. When I was young I remember finding our family photo with me torn out. That sums up a lot. And I've really resented the fact that somehow, by default, taking care of her has always fallen on me (and Chris). I am definitely the reluctant caregiver, on the verge of a panic attack every time I am in a medical setting.

Based on my symptoms, I am currently experiencing anticipatory grief. Usually it's just sadness and despair. Right now I'm in the anger stage. I send out email updates on my mom every couple weeks to her siblings and mine. I usually do this when I feel things have significantly changed and I feel it's important to keep her family informed. But no one responds to me – or they don't respond as much as I want them to – and they sure as shit don't reach out to her. Well, Jean always responds to me and I have been regularly in touch with Carolyn and Auntie Sharon. My mom wonders aloud why no one is there for her. And most of the time, so do I. It's a burden that I am shouldering entirely on my own. It's not fair, but we all know life isn't fair.

I went for coffee with my boss a couple weeks ago. Knowing the tumultuous relationship my mom and I have, he asked why I'm doing this. And it's something I've thought a lot about. It's because if I'm not there, she's all alone. She's dying all alone. I wouldn't want that to happen to me so I'm doing this so it won't happen to her. It's all I can do.

Finn at five

Finn, you are an amazing little boy. Every single day you amaze me. You are thoughtful and bright, affectionate and curious.

You come home from daycare and school with big issues. You were offended that one kid at daycare would not believe that boys can marry boys and girls can marry girls. Then just yesterday, you said "I learned something at school. Transgender. It's like when you are a boy on the outside but feel like a girl on the inside." Kindergarten is absolutely not how I remember it. You shine on big issues, but you also feel great conflict when you hear something you feel just isn't right. When your teacher told you God created the world, you struggled with it immensely. That is, perhaps, a little too much for a five year old. But you worry about big things. Like me getting old and dying and you having no mom. Or me getting old and not looking like I do now. You don't want to get married but you do want kids. Apparently all girls but mom are not so great.

You are an incredible eater. You will claim hunger five minutes after we finish supper. You sometimes eat four breakfasts. Cereal, then bagels, then cheese and crackers and finally a banana and two oranges. Between you and Lily, you can polish off a whole cheese pizza. You complain about the meat sandwiches at daycare. You are a sugar fiend when we go to Nana's, helping her whittle down her gummy bears and worms. You love tofu and sweet potatoes, but only eat the stems off broccoli. Ketchup is still the condiment of choice for almost everything.

And oh, the love you dish out. To me anyway. You always "out-love" me, loving me to infinity over my billions of universes that I love you. We spend a lot of time cuddling. So much so that you will wake in the middle of the night and say "Cuddle me!" before you can go back to sleep. It could be worse. You also love to accompany me when I go out or if you are not with me, you often FaceTime me when I've gone out. You use Siri to text me and dad and Lily. Though she often gets it wrong, it usually has to do with poop.

You have recently decided you want to be an inventor, or an engineer scientist or a graphic design scientist. This is because last year you got worried that becoming a police officer would be too hard. You constantly asked questions like, "Do you have to write a test to be a police officer? How strong do you have to be?" You have caught on to French - and to school in general - like a boss. You speak a lot of French and sing all the songs. You actually love to sing. We belt out songs spontaneously all the time. Thank god because no one else will sing with me like that as often as I like.

For the first time, in preparation for next year, you and Lily walked home from school together. I watched from the window, waiting. Then I saw you two – holding hands while walking down the sidewalk. You adore Lily so much, but never when me and dad are around. You even "like" dad now, up from "I don't love anyone but you, Mom." But we know you do. Lily takes such good care of you when I'm not there. All she wants to do is kiss and hug you. That's how cute you are. But honestly, who care blame her.

Grade three!

Wow. I can't believe my only girl is in grade three. I remember grade three. Which means everything now makes an impression. Everything. And she's mature and loving and playful. She sleeps better, eats lots and is wicked awesome on the monkey bars. Her independence is growing and she loves ever second of the adventure of being on her own. Big year. Big time.

Summer 2013!

I hate thinking that it's over now, but in between intermittent warm days, I think the reality is that summer is now over. But it was a good one.

Lots of campfires at Bob and Lori's on the weekends; a couple excursions to Rowan's Ravine with them on long weekends – even one where we left Lily overnight; a weekend at Grandma and Grandpa's for tubing and seadooing; a prolific garden supplying us with steady fresh produce; lots of backyard fun with Jack and Carly; Finn independently going to the bathroom and some botched escape plots; lots of visits to the farmer's market; a spray park playdate with Mason; Lily's birthday party and all of it's preparations; going on bike rides, or to the park; taking a week off work for a whirlwind holiday to Cypress Hills, Carolyn's place in Priddis and a couple days in Calgary; Daddy taking Lily and Carly swimming in the evenings after 7 p.m. because it's free then; brunch at Creeson's house; visits from Ferguson; zucchini; peach jam, fig jam, strawberry jam; basil pesto; applesauce from cousin Heather's apple tree; bluejays and squirrels.

But getting back into the swing of things won't be so bad. Can't keep up that pace forever...though I might like a couple more months. Just happy we can make the most of it. Cheers! (Oh right, and wine was a big part of our summer, too.)

Lily's 8th Birthday!

It was terrific scientific party this year. Lily wanted a science experiment party, so we delivered. A choice group of scientists, complete with personalized security badges, gained unrestricted access to the birthday laboratory. Then the fun – and learning – began.

Even Finn needed access to the great meeting of the scientific minds.

Experiment 1 – Sandwich bag bombs

Experiement 2 – Elephant toothpaste...just kept expanding and expanding.

Experiment 4 – Tie-dye milk

Experiment 5 – Goop

Experiment 6 – Frankenstein's hand

Experiment 7 – Mentos in Diet Coke

The day was a success. The weather cooperated, she got some great presents (including some earrings from her BFF) and there was cake and root beer floats. It couldn't get much better.

Happy 8th Birthday, Lily!

The meeting

I met Carolyn. I think we might be related...

We met in Medicine Hat this past weekend. The most anxious part was walking into her hotel room. But once we got some nervous pre-meeting banter out of the way through a crack in the door, I went in. And there she was. She's so familiar. Obviously because she looks like my mom, but also because it's starting to feel like she's been there my entire life.

But she wasn't – and the bright side of that is that we get to be sisters without all that baggage. Without the nasty teenage fights. Without the same traumas and dramas.

The weekend was good. Good to just talk and hang out – oh, and compare our physical features at length. There were dinners out, breakfasts at the hotel, bento boxes for lunch, 90-minute massages, and watching Identity Thief. The finer details of it all needn't be shared. (And not just because I got sloppy drunk and regrettably extolled the virtues of higher education and was embarrassingly hungover most of the entire day Saturday. I can admit that...)

We're kinda the same, more than we are different. And we're kinda smitten with one another. It's nice. Good. Exactly as it should be.

A video momento of my and Carolyn's first meeting from Hood/Anderson on Vimeo.

He's three!

Oh, my sweetest little Finn! You turned three years old! And since then, you've had this monumental leap in personality and thoughtfulness...even though you fell heavily, splat, right out of Lily's bed last night and flat on your tummy onto the hard floor. It didn't shake any brains out, though.

Physical heft aside, and you have visibly grown lately, you are kind and gentle. Unless Lily gets all up in your business...which often happens. (Unless I'm not there. Then apparently you don't fight at all because you two are not vying for my attention! Who would have thought?) But you love to share your toast, or your gum, or really anything you have with anyone. You are very attuned to other's feelings which is why I can "cry" and you will softly comfort me. You even blow me kisses through the window as you ride your tricycle and helmet on the patio and melt my heart.

Dad said the other day you asked if you could throw something out the front window. He said no, then went back downstairs. A few minutes later you yelled, "Dad, come see what I did!" When he arrived, he saw that while you hadn't thrown the original item out, a toy cash register, other toys and magazines had been hurled onto the path below. But we seldom get upset, likely because we're just reveling in your pride and utter cuteness when declaring these things. Besides, your feelings are easily hurt. You come from a long line of sensitive people.

You are convinced you a big boy and while I won't disagree, you seriously think we should let you drive the van home from daycare. True story! But you're still not potty trained. At times, you will protest, screamingly, the taking off or putting on of diapers. Which is too bad because you are so good at peeing on the toilet, especially since Mezia implemented jelly bean rewards. (Apparently Smarties weren't as strong an incentive.) Pooping is currently your downfall. You can't squat on the toilet, therefore you don't consider it an option. No rush, my last baby.

We had your birthday party on your actual birthday, a Thursday. Lily wanted Carly there as your birthday is her half birthday and well, her birthday is your half birthday. Nana came, too. We started with presents as I couldn't see a reason to make you wait. You got so much awesome stuff! A zoo Duplo set and book from Uncle Nigel, Auntie Jessie and Ferguson; a semi truck and digger Lego set from Grandma and Grandpa; a pirate treasure chest with dagger, spy scope, bandanna, etc., and pirate figurines from Nana; a bunch of big boy gotch from Carly and Jack; a Captain Hook cuff with fishing rod, canon, net, hook set from Lily; and a large pirate sword with treasure map, etc. and Spiderman mask from Mom and Dad. After, we ate supper of mac 'n' cheese and sweet potato fries before calling Jack to join us for cake. You blew your candles out like a pro. Things got a little dodgy after that with lots of crying so after Carly and Jack went home, you went to bed and were asleep within minutes.


You are a big, beautiful, bright boy whom we all adore. Happy birthday, Finn!

New addition

You usually don't get a new sibling when you're 35...unless, of course, you're one of Larry King's older children. I'm not a King, but I did score a new sister.

On March 4th, I sent my sister Carolyn, who was given up for adoption, an email. The next day she replied. Two weeks of daily (or more) emails and pictures back and forth and then she called me. Our first phone call lasted five hours – at night, and I had to work the next day. But it was worth it. Our conversations are easy, at ease. We've got some things in common! We talk about what we look like, what our personalities are like, what we think about things and about our kids. We've chatted three times since that first call, for many hours. I think of her constantly and if we're not talking, I'm sending her emails.

I've known about Carolyn since 2003 when she first tried to contact us. The timing was bad, so we vetoed her contact, but I sent her a letter at that time with my veto to let her know why timing was bad and that maybe in the future...

Carolyn is 13 months older than me, but she's shorter. She's married and has three kids. Jack, who will be 10 in June, has red hair. Julia is 9 days older than my Lily Julia and they're half an inch apart in height. Little Kate will be 5 in June.

It's all very exciting. Very emotional. Very crazy. We've even made plans to meet in May. Alone. Which means I have just over a month to get Lily used to the idea that we'll be apart... Everyone should send their best wishes and good luck to Chris.

A friend

Lots of stress these days. My back has been in knots for almost two months. One of the many things we're struggling with is our friend Boonie's diagnosis of a malignant brain tumour in mid-January. The past year had been awful and hard for his family all ready. Just today, his wife's dad died from cancer. Their daughter is only three years old. It's crushing.

Every single day I think about what they're going through. And what is to come. In the week before Boonie was rushed to the hospital, Chris said he wasn't looking well so I sent him lunch with Chris. In my head I'd been planning other lunches he might like that I could send along so that would be one less thing for him to worry about... It all shoots me back exactly eleven years ago because it's exactly the same thing at exactly the same time of year except my dad was 53 and Boonie is only 40. I have an over-abundance of empathy.

We met Boonie in about 2000 after a Unisource event. Chris started working with him at FCC in 2003, always just a few feet from each other for the last ten years. He is the most easy-going, jovial guy you could meet.

I swear the thing I miss most these days is having Chris come home and tell me what he and Boonie talked about that day. The loss Chris is feeling is obviously much more.

Feeling helpless, I made him my first adult-sized quilt. The kids tried it out and it looks like it will work. Those hospitals can be cold.

Happy New Year!

Welcome to 2013! Haven't made a resolution to blog more, so don't expect much. Pinterest has made a huge dent in my life (mostly at work) and when I'm not there, I try to really be here. With Chris. With the kids. Doing stuff. I only have a few more months working part-time, then it gets hard. While I know that's how most everyone has to do it these days and we, poor graphic designers, just can't afford not to no matter how much we cut out, I think it's absolutely tragic that we end up having to contract out our lives (daycare, housekeeping, food) because we're so busy working that we just don't have the time or energy. And the time we do and will have is short and harried.

So, I suppose what I'm saying is that I propose all maternity leaves last 5 years or until your child starts kindergarten.

I wish.

No one said a girl can't dream.

Until then, I'll continually be posting pictures on Flickr so that's the easiest way to keep up with what we've been keeping up to. Here's a few in case you missed them. Happy New Year!

Bigger

My kids have gotten bigger. Way bigger.

Finn decided that he was ready to pee on the potty a couple weeks ago. Today he even put a "baby" on the potty today and talked for her, "I peed!" before clapping her hands together, then saying, "I'm so proud of you!" He's so funny. He's big into rhyming, especially our names. Mommy Bummy. Nana Banana. All day we sang songs. His fave was Five Little Monkeys, but Wheels on the Bus will always be a hit.

He's kinda rotten at the same time, though I think that naturally comes with being two and a half. We went to the library at the mall this morning. Not only was he not in sight most of the time, he ran from one corner of Safeway to the furthest corner as fast as he could get away. Then he ran away from me in the parking lot. He spent some time getting some negative energy out in the backyard when we got home. And even though he whines incessantly, he is so easy to make laugh. And his laugh makes my heart grow.

And Lily. Oh my. While she bailed on her last potential sleepover at Carly's, she's excited for an upcoming Brownie's science centre/pizza party/sleepover in a few weeks. Carly will have to be right by her side, but it's a step. Brownie's has been good for her. Glad we coerced her into it. More cookie sales. A food bank drive. Being on the Santa parade float coming up. And badges.

She's gotten so independent in the last month or so. She will walk home from school by herself at lunch and after school. She doesn't wake me when she has to pee in the middle of the night or even when she gets up and we're just downstairs watching t.v. She came home from Carly's the other day; Finn, Chris and I were all upstairs napping in bed. She didn't even come looking for us. Just went downstairs to play Barbie games online. These things are huge.

She's still painfully shy, but she spends more time at Carly's and from what we hear, even answers her parents questions. Out loud. I assume she's fine when we're not around, though I can't vouch for that. Even with us, trying to get something that's bugging her out of her mouth is like playing (four hundred and) 20 questions. Trying to keep all dialogue open, so hopefully someday she'll come around.

Gotta pick out clothes for tomorrow. Big kid clothes.

Buddy

Last night Finn said, "You're my best friend, Mom." He's pretty fantastic himself.

Big day!

Lily and I are heading up to Saskatoon after lunch for the Justin Bieber concert. As if we needed to sweeten the pot, Carly Rae Jepsen is opening. I don't know if I'll be able to wipe that grin off her face today.

Super busy crazy fun times

Shall I pull out my list of awesome things we've been doing? I think shortly after we got back from Minot we realized Finn had ringworm. Not a big deal, just a traumatic trip to the doctor's office.

That was followed by two Saturdays of birthday parties that Lily was invited to attend – and they were for boys in Lily's class. The first was Kylo's bowling birthday party, and right afterwards we hit the road to Grandma and Grandpa's for the weekend. Jet skiing, boating, tubing, throwing sand out of the sandbox, hot tub action, a day at the beach. It was that jam-packed.

Did a short day trip down to Weyburn to finally meet Khrystine's daugther, Ana, and her soon-to-be stepson, Eric. Tried to picnic but it was so hot we almost died. The following weekend was a Chuck E. Cheese birthday party, but this time Lily was the only girl so it wasn't as fun. On Aug. 1, Chris took the day and took Lily to the Queen City Ex. A perfect activity for the pair. They spent over eight hours there, a feat I was lucky to avoid.

For the August long weekend, we headed up to Shell Lake for the Hood/Flora family reunion. Stayed over at Grandma and Grandpa's and got to see Ryan and Leslie before we headed out the next morning. We camped. Not my first choice, but there were actually no other options. It wasn't so bad – until the first night. A thunderstorm kept me awake most of the night, the constant pelting of raindrops sounded like small explosions over and over and over... The second night we were so cold that we had to all sleep with our heads covered. Got to see everyone, hold frogs, hit the beach and park. Finn rode his bike constantly, impressing everyone with his moves. We were all glad to get home, if only to be inside again.

Spent the following week readying for Lily's birthday party, which we had on Aug. 12. It was super old-school. Musical chairs, scavenger hunt, random playing in the yard, a weiner roast, then cake. Ta da, over. Lily was very satisfied, though, exclaiming that this was the awesomest party ever.

Then this past weekend, Grandma and Grandpa so kindly came down for the weekend so they could watch the kids for us while we attended a co-worker's wedding. Of course, on Saturday the kids got sick. Chris and I followed a couple days later. On Tuesday, I hurt my back so bad I had to lay down all day. Then at supper Lily said, "My head is itchy." An hour of flashlight searching over her scalp until we found the little bugger that would ruin the rest of our evening. Chris and Finn immediately left to get lice shampoo. We did all of our heads so Lily wouldn't be alone; she was so upset. Took hours to strip the beds, rid our rooms of dirty clothes and towels, throw toys in the freezer, pillows in the dryer, re-dress the beds. Poor kids weren't asleep until 10:15 p.m. Chris stayed home since we're moving on Friday at work and I had to go in and pack. It all kinda went to hell and I ended up having to come home early anyway. Back at daycare today, but they're shutting down tomorrow since they found four more cases of lice, including Jack and Carly. Gonna do a thorough clean, though nothing makes me feel NOT itchy right now.

No time for including photos, but see our Flickr pics to get the full effect of this awesome narrative.

Hot fun in the summer time!

School's been out for just over two weeks. Since then, it's almost been a blur.

First there was the big Canada Day long weekend. The Winnipeg relatives came into Regina on Friday night and we all headed up to Saskatoon the next day for Auntie Norma's 50th birthday party. It was hot and fun with lots of kids running around.

Lily, unfortunately, had an awful ear infection that we could only keep at bay with Advil for so long. She crashed just after 7 p.m. so we headed back to Grandma and Grandpa's for the night. Uncle Jared was there, too, and Finn kept us all entertained as we sipped wine.

The next morning, Lily felt up to going in the hot tub before we headed back to the farm to get Nana. We drove back to Regina as Lily, Finn, Nana and Skye all slept for almost the entire trip – exactly how it should be. We dropped Nana off and rushed home to put together a bbq of our own for Uncle Terry, Auntie Brenda, Kim, Aidan, Isabella, Trevor, Amber, Hunter, Heather, Colin, Zander, Keira, Nigel, Jessica, Ferguson, Nana and us! Trev, Amber and Hunter only stayed long enough to meet Ferguson before they hit the road.

After a few hours of eating and playing, we called it quits because it was apparent that everyone was exhausted. Nigel, Jessica and Ferguson stayed over so we got to visit with them in the morning before we jetted off to Rowan's Ravine to spend the day with our neighbours, Bob, Lori, Carly and Jack. They had their trailer out there for the weekend so we went for swimming in the lake, some mini golf, supper and bike riding before Lily's earache got the better of her again. We didn't make it home until 10:30 p.m.

After a few days back at work and daycare (where they went to the Leg and library for some field trip fun), we headed off to Minot on Saturday for watersliding, shopping for Lily's clothes, and touring the devastating flood damage that wreaked havoc there just over a year ago. That part was absolutely mind-blowing. Neighbourhood after neighbourhood you could see how the water had reached the tops of the houses. On some streets, every house was abandoned and nature had come back in to reclaim these yards. It was almost post-apocalyptic. While some were rebuilding, many were not. What kind of neighbourhood will that be? And will it flood again. I suppose we're lucky to be in one of only two cities in North America not built on a river.

Anyway, Lily's got birthday parties over the next couple Saturdays. We're hopefully heading down to Weyburn to visit Khrystine's baby this weekend and next weekend at Grandma and Grandpa's. Then the crazy rollercoaster of August begins!

Funny Finn at (almost) 26 months

The last couple months since you turned two have been lots of fun. You are just starting to talk in well-formed sentences that you thought up yourself. Which is surprising. And entertaining. Like:

"I go outside now. Bye!"
"I ride my bike."
"Yilyee (Lily), come sit down."
"There's Mezia's van."
"Mom, come back."
"I stay home."
"You coming?"
"Oh, it's suppertime."
"Motorcycle!"
"No bugging me."

Because you do get bugged a lot. And when taken to the edge, you like to bite and hit. Not that we blame you, but then we learned that you got into a fight with Lulu at the daycare. She ended up bleeding and you had two lumps on your head. She's three, but she's sweet on you. We got to see it in action at Jack's fifth birthday party. Despite having her own bag of popcorn, she just wanted to eat yours. And she was always by your side. I think she's the highlight of your weekdays.

Lulu is the little girl behind Finn.

On the weekends and some evenings, playing outside or with Lily and Carly is where it's at. You jump on the trampoline and play games with them. You swing beside them. You ride your bike, push the cart and throw your balls – and try to get into the garage where all the tools are. Our patio was a smart investment as it gets used constantly and as long as the gate's shut and the kitchen window is open, you are happy to be out there by yourself. You spend fairly long stretches of time in the sandbox or up in the "tree fort" scribbling over Lily's birthday party invitee list written in chalk. Some mornings before work, we send you out just to keep you busy while we finish getting ready. One day, you were eating a popsicle in the tree fort when you put in down on the chalk board ledge, then just came over and gave me a tight hug around the next before going to get your popsicle again.

You can count to 12 and say your ABCs (or something akin to it). You like to sing and read books about the babies on the bus, diggers and garbage trucks. You still sleep fairly well...until 5 a.m. when you request my presence. You spend at least the next hour in my arms until Lily comes in. Usually you spring right up to see her, even though she immediately starts poking and irritating you. She and you eat cinnamon toast or smoothies for breakfast. Usually you help Dad make the smoothies because they taste better then. You love ketchup on everything, maybe because we eat a lot of home fries as a supper side dish. Dipping is high on your list of suppertime demands. But you say "yucky" a lot, even when you don't mean it. Don't know if you picked that up from Lily or from daycare.

You go grocery shopping with Dad. I can't come because it all goes to heck then. I send you on a mission for broccoli, which you dutifully accept. You actually will go anywhere with Dad which is so, so nice.

While you haven't done it for a while, you'll put yourself in a time out. You sit on the stairs while I put the timer on. You can't move until it beeps. (We're just impressed that you listen because Lily never did. We still can't put her in her room without her literally trying to claw her way out!) But if you're well rested, you rarely have bad days. On the weekends, you slip into a two to three hour nap around 11:30. Weekends are so nice, especially since you don't require a whole lot of structure or entertaining. And we try to never have much to do, just play it by ear because the more you can play whatever you want, the better.

You still love to help. You scrape plates and stack the supper dishes. You put the condiments away. You help with the food processor and the mixer. You get toilet paper for Lily when she screams that there is none. You close the door when we leave the house in the morning. You start Nana's car. You pull weeds. You say you want to help water, but I think you just want the hose.

You want to play t-ball because every Monday through Thursday, kids and their parents walk behind our fence to the ball diamond. There are two games. One at 6 and one at 6:30 p.m. Sometimes you want to play with them so bad, you lay on the floor and cry. On Sundays, the older kids play football right behind the fence and you want to join them, too. Oftentimes, we'll just go to the park to be near all the action. That seems to help. You love climbing and going down slides with Mommy.

And I'm sure there's a lot I'm forgetting... You change constantly, always for the better.

Deep breath

Chris works with a guy that sits maybe four feet from him. We drive by their house on the way to and from the sitter every day. After work yesterday, Chris was telling me about a fundraiser account that was set up to help him and his family out. He's been away from work for the last month because his 7-year-old son went from normal to needing a liver transplant within weeks. He, his wife and son are in Edmonton now...desperately waiting while their younger son is still here in Regina. Anyway, I just can't stop thinking about them, especially after reading this article about them last night. And I can't help but be overtaken with this crushing empathy. And then I squeeze my kids a little tighter.

UPDATE: The boy and his mom, who donated a portion of her liver to him, went into surgery a couple days after I posted this. Right now, they're doing fairly well...considering.

The perks of being right there

Odd little ducks, kids are. Over the last month, the kids in Lily's class seem to have just discovered that we back the schoolyard. Now every recess and lunch hour that I'm home, a whole row of them will stand on the fence and yell until I see them. Every time they ask for something to eat but because we only stock ingredients, no pre-made snacks, I really have nothing to give them. Today they asked for seaweed – which I do have – plus a little bowl of fruit that they eat took a piece of. Then off they ran...

Left to right: Rachel, Lily, Kyra, Rowan and Saul

When I pick Lily up at lunch, I'm always involved in at least three conversations with as many or more children. Today a boy came up and said, "I like you." To which I replied, "I like you, too." He said, "Do you remember my name?" I asked for a hint. "It starts with H," so I easily guessed it was Holden. Very charming indeed. I'd also brought Grace's poncho to school that she'd left in the sand behind the fence on Thursday before the long weekend so she was happy to see that.

It's good to know the kids that Lily spends her days with. They watched me pull weeds and ready the garden beds last week. They boys want to talk the most. They want to come and jump on the trampoline. They wanted to meet Chris and they all politely introduced themselves.

We had Rachel over on Monday and wow, what a different dynamic that was from what we're used to. They are very similar, very shy and quiet so they did quiet things. It was wonderful...except for the part when I thought they'd been kidnapped from the schoolyard park, but that's best left unsaid. Rachel and Lily are absolutely best friends at school. They hold hands and hug a lot. It is very sweet.

Lily has been doing lots of things with her classmates – from grade one and kindergarten. Emily invited her to come to karate class with her. She was also invited to Joleen's hot tub surprise birthday party. And Jenifer's birthday party at Dino Bouncers. Her social network is expanding and she's only just completing her second year of school. Just imagine what's next...

Hitting the big time!

Last night you learned to ride a two wheeler! Finn got a new bike, you rode Carly's old bike and Carly rode her bike. You guys went up and down the sidewalk while Dad cut the grass. When he was done, we all went to the park. Before we even hit the grass, you were off! You probably rode five metres. It was a huge success and I was SO proud. And you glowed with pride. I can't wait to see you do it again!

That's my dad.

My dad died ten years ago, the day before my parents' 26th wedding anniversary. It's still so sad. Especially looking at pictures of him. It's hard not to think of how things would be different if he were still here. Chris always says we would for sure have baseboards in our house by now. And oh, how he'd love to play with Finn and Lily. Always liked playing, whether it was playing catch, playing in the sandbox with our younger cousins, playing with the kids I babysat, or playing hockey with the boys who lived next door years after I moved out. Anyway, I miss him. Always will.